Have you ever been texting a guy and you felt SO connected…
But when you see him in person, it’s like none of that conversation ever happened?
He acts distant, like he hardly knows you.
Or have you ever had this experience?
You’re texting a guy when, out of the blue, he texts you something TOTALLY out of line.
Something X-rated. Something really rude.
You’re shocked. He would NEVER say that sort of thing to you in person.
What does he think he’s doing?
Texting is a completely different world. The old standards don’t apply.
Find out how he could be messing with your head… and how to protect yourself.
Mistake #1.
You believe that what’s he saying over text is real.
There’s a reason guys love texting.
It’s low commitment. All it requires of him is tapping his screen. He doesn’t even have to believe what he’s texting, because the girl he’s texting with won’t question him.
When you’re face-to-face with someone, it is REALLY hard to lie about your feelings. If you say, “I love you,” and you don’t mean it, the other person will know.
This puts guys at a disadvantage, because women are really good at reading body language.
It’s hard to pull a fast one on a woman, because she can see when his words and actions don’t match up.
But move the conversation to text, and that disadvantage disappears.
No body language. No eye contact. No vocal cues that could betray a mismatch between what he’s thinking and what he’s saying.
A guy could say almost anything via text, and he’ll be believed.
Why We Believe His Texts
It might seem crazy that we’re more likely to believe text on a screen than words coming out of someone’s mouth, but think about what happens when you read.
When you read a novel, you know it’s fiction, but the fictional world seems so real. You can see the characters. You can hear them. Your imagination fills in the gaps.
The same thing happens when you read his texts.
Your imagination gets engaged. You can hear him saying those words to you. Your mind fills in the context.
You feel like you’re having this entire conversation, but 90% of it is happening in your mind.
If you gave your phone to a friend and had her read his texts, she’d have a completely different experience.
Meet My Persona
His texts have something else in common with fiction:
They portray his persona, rather than his personal truth.
It’s common knowledge that we present a fake self on social media. Those pictures we post don’t reflect the reality of our lives. They’re curated to give a certain impression.
His texts are like social media posts. They’re carefully worded to give you a certain impression of him. He is controlling what you think of him through his words.
Some of his texts may not even be original. He asks his friends how he should reply to you. Or he texts you these stock phrases that he’s heard will flip your attraction switch.
Some guys get really good at telling women what they want to hear. He could be texting four different girls at once, and you’d never know.
So take everything he texts with a grain of salt.
What he says to you in person—how he treats you face-to-face—is closer to the truth.
Mistake #2.
You believe that what you’re saying over text is private.
Never assume privacy.
All a guy has to do is hand his phone over to his friends, and they can read everything you wrote.
Or he might screenshot something you said and post it on social media for the world to see.
That’s the world we’re living in… A world where nothing committed to text is ever private.
Here’s my recommendation:
Don’t say anything to him over text that you wouldn’t say to his face.
If you want to tell him something emotional and from the heart, do it in person.
Now, there’s a reason some people prefer to open up via text.
They’re afraid.
If you text instead of talk, you have control. You can carefully compose your words. When you push send, you don’t have to see his face when he reads it. There’s this emotional distance that can feel reassuring.
We are losing the knack of hard conversations.
Sherry Turkle is a professor at MIT who studies people’s relationships with technology, and she’s worried about the impact of technology on our relationships. We’re just not talking.
Talking face-to-face is such a different experience. Yes, it’s hard, but if the emotional risk and exposure of a conversation feels threatening, how can we ever make love work?
Mistake #3.
You believe that you can have a relationship over text.
Online dating apps have made us believe that you can have a relationship online.
You can message each other, you can exchange photos, you can stay up late into the night texting, and it all feels so REAL.
So what if you haven’t met? You feel closer to this person than anyone in your real life.
What you’re experiencing is the illusion of intimacy, which you discover as soon as you meet in real life.
95% of the time, it’s never as good as it was online.
Often, you can’t even recognize this person sitting across from you as the person you’ve been messaging all this time. It’s awkward. It feels really uncomfortable.
So here’s my recommendation:
If you want to build a real relationship with someone, maximize face-to-face time.
Let’s say he messages you something intriguing. Text back:
Can’t wait to hear the whole story. When should we catch up?”
Or he asks how you are, and you text back:
Long story, easier to tell in person. Wanna grab a coffee?”
Relationships are built on time spent together.
Your phone can be a great way to stay connected when you can’t be together, but at the end of the day it’s just a device. What the heart wants isn’t a notification. What the heart wants is him.
Let us know what you think!