Should You Keep Forgiving Him?

In the 20th Century:
Forgive & forget.

In the 21st Century:
Fix it.

Good people forgive and forget.

They don’t hold a grudge. They let it go.

They don’t let other people’s bad behavior get them down.

Were you taught that? I certainly was.

I was taught that anyone with a grievance—even a legitimate one—was “holding onto hatred.” What’s done is done. It’s over. Move on.

I saw “good wives” forgive their husband’s behavior over and over again. They’d been told that relationships are about forgiveness. You can either be married or be right, but you can’t be both.

But here’s what I also saw.

I saw explosions of rage and temper.

I saw everyone acting the next morning as if nothing had happened.

I saw children punished for modeling the same bad behavior they saw in the adults (not understanding that “forgive & forget” didn’t apply to them).

I saw resignation grow into resentment.

Today, I understand that “forgive and forget” can be the wrong advice.

It lets people off the hook for their behavior. It erases accountability. It enables them.

Instead of “forgiving and forgetting,” why don’t we try fixing?

Let’s try talking about it.

Let’s set boundaries so we can feel safe.

Let’s fix our problems rather than burying them under the carpet.

Questions to Consider

• What do I let slide in my relationship?
• What sorts of things shouldn’t I let slide in my relationship?
• Why do I let certain things go?
• What’s the cost to me of speaking up?
• If speaking up makes things worse, what’s my future going to look like?

P.S. In some relationships, trying to talk to your guy is an exercise in futility. It’s his way or the highway.

For those of you in this situation, I’ve written a very special minicourse on what it takes to get your power back.