In the 20th Century:
Safety means making sure he’s not a serial killer or just wants to get in your pants.
In the 21st Century:
Safety means building trust, communication, boundaries, and accountability into your relationship.
When I was a teenager, my mother told me to be safe. Guys only want one thing. Don’t get yourself in a vulnerable situation.
When online dating became a thing, magazine articles told us to be safe. Watch for red flags. Make sure he’s not a serial killer.
I did everything I was told. I was smart. I was safe.
But that still didn’t protect me from heartbreak and trauma.
We now know that taking advantage of you isn’t the only way a man can hurt you.
He can hurt you by lovebombing you only to ghost you.
He can hurt you by putting you down and telling you that no one else is ever going to want you.
He can hurt you by activating all your abandonment fears.
Physical safety isn’t enough. We need to feel emotionally safe, too.
In the past, staying safe meant screening men so that we kept the bad ones out and only let the good ones in.
Today, safety isn’t guaranteed after you’ve let a good man in.
You’ve got to negotiate what’s okay for you and what’s not okay.
You’ve got to speak up about what you want and what you don’t want.
You’ve got to learn how to avoid hurting or triggering each other.
Building emotional safety into your relationship takes work. You’ve both got to want to do it.
(One great resource is Dr. Sue Johnson’s Emotionally-Focused Therapy.)
Questions to consider:
Have you felt safe to be yourself and say what you need/want in your past relationships?
If not, why not?
What would you like to have seen your past partners do to make you feel safer?
P.S. Are you tired of getting hurt in love? Discover the 3 main reasons women get hurt in love and what you can do to ensure it never happens to you again.
Let us know what you think!