His story doesn’t add up.
His behavior doesn’t line up with his words.
He won’t give you the answer you want or the closure you need.
No one would ever try to connect dots that aren’t on the page or put together a puzzle with pieces that don’t fit.
Yet so many women put their lives on hold or stay in relationships longer than they should, trying to make sense out of nonsense.
A recovering, sometimes relapsing, codependent myself, I can tell you why.
The real question can’t be answered with a magnifying glass or demanding answers. That’s because it has nothing to do with him.
The real question is about YOU.
Getting answers is about your own absolution. This is the crux of codependency.
Codependency is no longer limited to drug and alcohol enabling. It has reinvented itself and garnering a devout following of articulate, successful, attractive and smart women who find themselves floundering around in emotional quicksand.
The new codependency is the senseless attempt to make sense out of nonsense.
Once you see his nonsense for what it is, you think you’ve escaped. You’re done with him. You don’t need to waste your life figuring out his lies.
“I know I’m a good woman,” the recovering codependent says loud and proud to high five’s, fist bumps and toasts.
At first, it feels like she is earning her way out of the nonsense. But when she goes home, doubts and fears gnaw at her resolve.
“Maybe I should have been more patient, more understanding. Maybe I jumped to the wrong conclusions about him. Maybe he’s going to be even more lost without me.”
You’d think having support would be enough, but not for the codependent. Her quest for absolution leads her right back to that quicksand.
Despite the objections of all around, she jumps back in.
No wonder some women find themselves celebrating their 10th, 20th, even 30th anniversary with a man they should have left a long time ago.
It’s happened to me. Even after getting divorced, my inner jury was still out about my worthiness. This is why my ex was able to insinuate himself back into my life. He held the key to my vulnerability, and I never changed the lock.
How do we stop the senselessness?
One of the youngest attendees at an all woman’s retreat gave one of the best answers I’ve ever heard. She said:
When the words don’t add up, the truth was never in the equation.”
So stop trying to figure him out. There is no answer to the mystery of your relationship. Put away your magnifying glass. No further assembly is required.
Instead, look in the mirror. All you need to see is there.
Refuse to let his “no” stop you from finding your own “yes.” You are responsible for your own happiness and your own closure. No one else. He has to awaken in his own time and of his own accord.
When you are tempted to try to figure him out, ask yourself:
How can I give myself what I need to be okay?”
This is the only sense that makes sense.