One of the toughest stories I hear—and I hear it over and over again—is the story of a woman who has given her love to a man in the most beautiful, generous way possible…
Only for him to back away and tell her he doesn’t want something serious.
Has that ever happened to you?
You rack your brains trying to figure out what you did wrong. Did you reveal your heart too soon? Did you ask too much of him? Did you come across as needy? What went wrong? And why does this ALWAYS seem happen?!
The simple answer is:
He’s lacking one or more of the 5 keys to commitment.
Guys don’t even know these, because most men have a poor understanding of what makes them commit. They have this idea that they’re searching for this fantasy woman and once they find her they’ll snap her up. But that’s not how it happens.
They don’t realize that a lot of what makes them commit lies beneath the level of conscious awareness. They don’t realize they’re being primed to commit—or not.
But when you know these 5 keys, you can make sure that all the conditions are right for him to make that leap.
Commitment Key #1.
He has to believe he could lose you.
This is the first because it’s essential. Without this key, you’re fighting a losing battle.
He will not commit unless he believes he can lose you.
That’s why guys act so fast when they meet an amazing woman online. They know she’s dating other people. They know that at any moment she could be messaged by some other guy who’s richer and better looking and more successful, and she’ll completely lose interest in them.
So they know they have to act, and they have to act fast. They have to lock her down so that she gives them a chance. They have to impress her so she’s not going to hop back online and find someone else.
But if you shortcircuit this process by putting all your hopes in one basket and taking your dating profile down and seeing this man exclusively even though he’s NEVER said he wants a committed relationship with you, then he doesn’t have to fight to keep you. He’s got you no matter what he does. That turns off his commitment switch.
Commitment Key #2.
He has to experience the pain of missing you.
Have you noticed that guys barely make any effort anymore? It feels like they treat women as if they’re interchangeable.
I believe that a big reason behind this shift is our phones.
When you have a smartphone, you are available to a guy any time he wants. All he has to do is text you, and he gets an instant reply. If he wants to know what you’re doing, all he has to do is hop on your social media. It’s like you’re on the other end of a digital leash.
One thing we know is that when you have something in your life 24-7, you stop valuing it. You take it for granted. It becomes part of the furniture.
Long ago, that only happened with a romantic partner once you got married. If you were just dating, you could only see each other for brief periods. You had to write letters. You had to pick up the phone. The pain of not being able to be together all the time made you crave each other even more.
We’ve lost that… and we’ve lost it because of our phones.
If he never gets the chance to miss you, he won’t be able to envision what life would be like without you. And if he can’t envision your absence, he’s going to take you for granted. You’re going to be part of the furniture… and who wants that?
So don’t let him have access to you 24-7. He can’t just text you all the time. He’s got to make time to see you. If he can’t make the time, then he’ll just have to wonder what you’re doing when you’re not there.
Give him the gift of missing you.
Commitment Key #3.
He has to believe he can make you happy.
This is huge for men.
I don’t think we women understand just how much it matters to men to be able to make us happy, because we focus all our attention on making THEM happy…
When, in fact, we should be focusing on receiving pleasure.
I talk about this a LOT in my book The Pleasure Principle, because it’s one of those keys not just to men but to happiness.
We don’t realize how much it boosts our radiance and sex appeal to experience the pleasure a man can offer us.
If a man feels like he’s going to disappoint you or let you down—even if it’s all in his head—he won’t commit.
Sometimes, that means a man won’t commit until he feels like he can support a family financially. He doesn’t want to make any promises until he’s making enough money to live well.
You may think that’s nonsense, because if you combine both your salaries you’ll be just fine, but he’s not thinking that way. For a lot of men, being a man means being a good provider. He wants your money to be a bonus, not necessary to make ends meet.
So if you’re with a man who’s not where he wants to be in his career yet, have patience. He may just be saving up to afford that amazing proposal.
Commitment Key #4.
He has to feel he’s more of himself with you.
That’s kind of vague, I know! The technical word here is self-actualization.
These days, we expect our relationships to help us in our personal growth. It’s not good enough to have a nice life and love each other. We want to feel like our relationship is helping us become more of who we’ve always wanted to be. We want to feel a sense of expansion; we want to feel bigger and better with this person at our side.
According to Dr. Eli Finkel, the marriages of today are better than any marriages throughout history, because of this very trait. Great relationships help us self-actualize.
Sometimes, a guy will enjoy a relationship with you, but he’ll tell you he can’t see it going anywhere. That’s because he can’t see that bigger, bolder version of himself with you by his side—yet!
All too often we focus on the future of the relationship without taking time to think about what we want for the future for ourselves.
So start talking to him about his future. What does he want to be? Where does he see himself in 5 years? What traits does he most value about himself?
Now for the big question:
Are your goals and dreams for yourself in alignment with his?
Can you help him with his dreams? Can he help you with yours?
Commitment Key #5.
He has to feel like it’s time to choose.
Men often take the easy route.
If they don’t have to make a choice, they won’t.
The status quo is working for them. Why upset the apple cart?
If he can do nothing—and he knows you’ll stick with him anyway—then he’ll do nothing.
But when a man feels a sense of urgency—such as wanting to accept a job in a different city but knowing that you won’t come with him unless it’s official—then he’s perfectly capable of making the choice to commit.
He’s got to feel like it’s HIS choice.
If you put any pressure on him to choose, he’ll refuse to budge. Men hate being pressured. They hate being told what to do. So if you, say, encourage his friends to talk to him about why he’s not committing, chances are it will backfire on you.
Life transitions are a natural choosing point. If he’s graduating from school, or accepting a promotion, or considering buying a house, he will be thinking about whether it’s time to formalize this relationship.
So there you have it:
The 5 factors that prime a man for commitment.
He has to believe he could lose you.
He has to experience the pain of missing you.
He has to believe he can make you happy.
He has to feel he’s more of himself with you.
He has to feel like it’s time to choose.
When these 5 factors are absent, you can be the most amazing woman in the world, but he’s not going to feel ready.
But when they’re present, he is set up to commit.
Think back to the last relationship you had where the guy backed away, even though you had this beautiful thing going. Which of these factors were present? Which of these factors were absent?
Let us know what you think!