Ever listened to your gut feeling and regretted it?
You were just so certain that this guy was The One. How could it have turned out so badly?
Experiences like that make us doubt ourselves. We decide we just don’t have good judgment when it comes to men.
But Dr. LeslieBeth Wish urges us to try a different approach.
Instead of discounting our intuition, we need to start asking it different questions.
In this week’s YBTV interview, Dr. Wish—or LB, as she likes to be known—teaches us how to start training our intuition so we can make better choices in love.
What You’ll Learn
This is all about trusting your love judgment!”
Who trusts their judgment when it comes to love?
LB is on a mission to change that.
She believes that we ALL have the ability to accurately tune into our intuitions about the men we date…
But we have to do it differently.
Which is More Accurate: Your Head or Your Heart?
For most of us, the choice is between listening to our head or listening to our heart.
Sometimes we listen to our head, sometimes we listen to our heart, and sometimes both our head and our heart give us the same message.
Surely that’s a big intuitive thumbs-up!
Nope, LB says. “Your head and heart can be aligned, and the message coming from that alignment can be very strong, but it can be wrong.”
She urges us to “get out of that framework of, ‘Should I trust my head or my heart?’ You’re using the wrong measurements.”
So what are the right measurements?
LB’s intuition training techniques come from over 5 years of research with women.
She wanted to know whether it was possible to train your intuition so that you knew when that gut feeling was fooling you and when it could be trusted.
She found there were two components to training your love intuition.
- Pay attention to your emotional calendar. Big emotional events, even if they happened a year ago, can impact your emotional state.
- Pay attention to your love pattern. This isn’t the “type” of man you usually date, but the dynamic of the relationships you usually have.
Too much dating and relationship advice focuses on analyzing the person you’re dating. You’re trying to find out whether he’s a good prospect, whether his values and lifestyle are compatible with yours, what his body language is saying, and so forth.
LB wants to challenge that perspective.
What happens when you keep your eyes on the other person? I’m telling your viewers to pay attention to what’s going on inside YOU.”
In other words, stop thinking so much about him and start thinking about how you’re feeling.
How to Use Your Love Intuition
An easy way to put this into practice is to take a break partway through a date, go to the restroom, and check in with yourself.
What are you feeling inside?
Now, most of us would ask ourselves whether we were excited or bored, whether we felt he was a yes or a no. But those questions may not give you a good answer.
The two questions that will get you the most accurate reading of the situation are:
- Do I feel like I have too much control or too little control when I’m with him?
- Do I feel too warm or too cold when I’m with him?
Here’s what those questions mean.
The way we feel safe in relationships is either by having all the control or handing over all the control.
In a healthy relationship, there should be a balance of power. Sometimes you’ll have more control, sometimes he’ll have more control, but overall you want to stay in somewhere the middle.
‘Warmth’ refers to closeness. Are you too close, completely inseparable, unable to do anything apart?
Or do you keep a certain distance from each other, allowing each other independence, maybe even leading separate lives?
Again, you want to be somewhere in the middle. In the beginning of a relationship, there’s naturally a lot of warmth, while long-term relationships tend to cool down. Overall, you should have a balance.
So, when you check in with yourself, you should be asking:
Where am I feel some feelings? Am I in that too muchness? Am I in that too littleness? Am I in control, out of control, feeling too cold, too hot? Take a look at the extremes.”
Then you should also ask yourself a second question:
When have I felt like this before?”
By comparing this dynamic with your past relationship dynamics, you can get a better sense of whether this man would be right for you or not.
Another way to double-check the accuracy of your intuitive hunch is to give most of your dates a second chance.
“The goal of giving a second chance is not to see if he is The One,” LB says, “but it’s to test whether your assumption and reading of the situation is accurate.”
By using this technique, you can take advantage of your past relationship history—whether it was good or bad—and use those experiences to fine-tune your assessment of any new men you meet.
LB offers workshops in training your love intuition on her website. Learn more.
Jump to Topics of Interest
03:10 What is love intuition
04:40 Turning your focus inwards, not outwards
07:12 How LB developed the concept of love intuition
08:35 Should I listen to my head or my heart?
10:22 What you should be asking your intuition when you’re on a date
14:09 Identifying your love patterns
15:33 Give him a second chance
16:16 LB’s workshops on love intuition
17:46 Trial and learn (not “trial and error”)
About Dr LeslieBeth Wish
LB is an award-winning, nationally recognized licensed clinical psychotherapist honored for her pioneering research and books about women and couples’ issues in love, work, and intuition. Her years of doing research and psychological counseling taught her that “to be happy in love and work, you need to get emotionally brave so you can trust your intuition so you can make smart life decisions—and get out of missteps more quickly.” Find out how to hone your love intuition.