You’re the kind of person all your friends go to for support.
You’re great at listening. You’re great at creating a safe space that makes others feel accepted and understood.
You’re so good, in fact, that no one ever asks you what’s going on in YOUR life.
If you try to talk about yourself, the conversation always turns back to your friends and THEIR problems.
Which is fine, you reason, because my problems are nothing compared to theirs. They need to talk more than I do.
And so you’re always there, smiling, open to anyone who needs a friendly ear.
Except…
You can’t shake the suspicion you’re being taken for granted.
You know your friends love you, but you wonder what would happen if you refused to be an emotional dumping ground for their problems anymore. Would they still call you?
Nice people are in a difficult position.
They want to help other people. They know everyone could use more kindness and understanding.
But their exceptional ability to empathize and encourage turns their relationships into one-way streets…
Where they’re a reliable shoulder for everyone else to lean on, but no one offers a shoulder to them.
The more sensitive and empathetic you are, the more you can find yourself taking on other people’s pain for them.
You may be comforting a friend through a recent breakup and feel your own heart hurt. You may be soothing a friend who’s angry about some injustice, and later find yourself snapping at people in a way that’s very unlike you.
Some people are so sensitive that they can even pick up other people’s physical pain. Sitting with a friend with a broken leg can make your own leg ache. Spending time with a migraine sufferer can leave you with a headache.
Nothing spooky is going on. Rather, your mirror neurons are firing.
Mirror neurons are neurons in the brain that fire in response to seeing someone else perform an action.
We feel as if we’re experiencing the same thing we’re seeing happen to someone else.
(Are you highly sensitive? Find out here.)
If you feel someone else’s pain, you can feel quite personally motivated to help them. Relieving their pain relieves your own. You breathe a sigh of relief when you see them smile and laugh again.
But there’s a dark side to being so emotionally supportive:
You end up getting hooked on other people’s drama.
You feel as if it’s happening to you, after all. You become personally invested in a situation that has nothing to do with you.
You can’t live another person’s life for them. You can’t make them take your good advice. All you can do is wait on the sidelines, hope and cheer.
That’s a pretty powerless place to be.
It also takes a TON of emotional energy.
You can get so wrapped up in other people’s conflicts that your own life pales by comparison. You’re spending so much time fixing other people that you don’t think about yourself. You don’t have any energy left for you.
You end up drained, listless, unhappy, even overweight.
So what can you do?
Stop listening to people?
Stop caring?
Of course not.
But what you can do is learn to spot when a conversation is beginning to take an emotional toll on you. Become a master at excusing yourself or changing the subject.
Many of us focus so deeply on the person we’re talking to that we ignore our own intuitive signals. We forget to check in with ourselves. We can start to feel uncomfortable, even anxious, but we feel obligated to see the conversation through to its natural end.
We don’t have to.
We all have the right to end conversations that are taking an emotional toll. The rules of politeness don’t dictate that we must stay as long as the other person wants to talk.
If someone is bombarding you with negativity, then find a way to excuse yourself. You don’t have to be their audience. Don’t worry—they’ll find someone else to talk to!
An alternative is to change the subject.
Tell your friend that you have an idea. Talking and thinking about these problems is just making both of you feel worse, so why don’t you take a break for a few hours? You can both go and do something fun and get your mind off things for a while.
As you begin to set limits on the amount of emotional energy you’re willing to absorb from other people, you’ll find your own energy levels rising.
You’ll discover so much more mental space within yourself. You’ll even find time to start thinking about things that you’d like to do for you.
Sure, it can feel like you’re missing out by not being in the thick of the drama, but living other people’s lives vicariously is a poor substitute for living out your own.
Because, if there’s one thing most nice people forget, it’s how to be nice to themselves.
(Has your guy told you you’re too sensitive? Then you need to read this.)
This describes me to a T and I’m SO sick of it. This has been going on for 20 years. I put up boundaries and people just keep trampling over them. I don’t like people as a result. None of them give a shit about me or my stuff and will actively invalidate me even after I’ve given them SO much time and let them process their issues to be able to move forward. I get left behind and stuck and then written off as a joke for not just moving on?? It’s CRAZY making.
I have started to let them know when I’m going to disengage, but then I get sucked back into it. I even got told by my supposed best friend that ‘she doesn’t need that drama and negativity” when she was the one bitching and moaning to me and when I went to her ONCE for emotional support for being abused by a guy who was also using me as his punching bag for unexpressed rage, and he talked to her once about me after being REALLY horrible to me, she took his side and ended the friendship?
I was ok about it though because she was a massive gossip who said HORRIBLE things about people behind their back so it wasn’t really a loss, but it’s left me so bitter. I’ve had SOOOO much terrible hard stuff happen, including my own mother throwing me away because I wouldn’t listen to HER crap anymore and she didn’t want to here or empathise with mine and even said I was her free counselling service, even though I said I’m not?? Who does that?
It’s really made me hate people. I can understand why kids in america shoot up schools! Nobody listens to them…or gives them the attention they badly need. I would never do that, but I can understand why some people do. People SUCK!
You’re right though, I need to learn when to disengage and reinforce the boundary when the person tries again…which they always do. My own best friend told me it’s “First world problems” last time I saw her when I mentioned that I felt ill and might vomit?? Who does that. She even tried to allude that I gave signals to a person who sexually assaulted me while I was passed out on drugs he gave me…and called him “Sweet”?? WTF? Horrible! People are really horrible.
It is so tough when the people you go to for support can’t be trusted to give you emotional validation and instead deny or minimize what you’re going through. As you’ve found, the only solution is often to disengage and not approach those people for support again.
You may find that your friends expect you to be their sounding board, and they’re thrown off when you need the tables turned and for them to listen. It’s always a good idea to speak to them and say, “Hey, I need you to support me right now,” but if they can’t support you in the way you need to be supported, then it’s time to seek support from somewhere else.
We all need to have at least one person in our lives we can trust. The kind of person you could call at 3am if you need them. The kind of person who’ll listen to us and not throw our most intimate thoughts and feelings back in our face.
Dear Philippa,
I feel you. I have had very similar thoughts and feelings as you. I ended up alienating myself from everyone and the world; relying on no one but myself because I was the only one that would actually be there for ME in the end.
However, over time and years you will find that there are times you will need someone else in your life. The important thing is…find that special, authentic, real, full-time friend before you really need them. Take your time and “screen” these people. Use your empathic skills to test the waters around the person or people before you call them “friend”. I use several of the techniques in the articles on this site (i.e. How does the person speak to waiters/waitresses in front of you, or behind their backs?). How they behave in front of you, pertaining to strangers, often speaks volumes about their character (and often indicates how they will treat you one day!!).
Another thing I’ve learned especially with interacting with new people; if I’m going to “vent” (even mildly)…I first ask them: “Do you mind if I share something with you?”. If I’ve known them a little while longer, I might ask: ” Are you in a good space right now for me to share some stuff with you?”.
I think we have taken for granted that friends have become “dumping grounds”, but if your friend is already processing a million other things, they may not be able to take one more thing right then and there. At least offering them a choice (on when to talk) will make them less defensive and more likely to give you an open and honest opinion that is actually helpful and thoughtful.
**Although, in your case, I do not believe the people you were referring to were actually “true” friends at all!!
I’m not sure what you age or circumstances are, but I would consider seeking out group activities, hobbies, or activities you enjoy. Meet some people there, but always remember they aren’t instantly your friend- no matter how nice they seem at first (I treat friendships no differently than relationships!!). People need to earn your trust, respect, loyalty and friendship- especially if you are empathic. Energy vampires and narcissists pick up on us so very easily and they know how to play the “game”. Use your intuition and if someone says or does something that deep down makes you feel uneasy…walk away!! That way you aren’t attached and really get to know these people before you give them very personal information along with all your energy. The other golden rule I follow in the early stages: let them speak more than you do. Do not reveal more information about yourself than is necessary. This gives you time to assess the other person, but without giving them potential clues about your empathy.
It’s very hard! I know. I can count on one hand how many friends I have, but there have been MANY I have walked away from (and I make no issue about walking away the second my gut instinct tells me something’s not right!! It’s never been wrong!).
Best of luck. You are not alone- there are more of us than you know. Be yourself, always. Much love to you.
E.
Thank you for this article, Ms. Waterman, it really spoke to me. I have just established a boundary with a friend who has been using me as her emotional punching bag for a while now, I just never realized it. I hope she respects it and that I get better at detecting these kinds of situations sooner.
Boundaries are beautiful! But you’re absolutely right – not everyone respects boundaries. In fact, narcissists and other toxic people will try to break through your boundaries on purpose. They hate the fact that they don’t get unfettered access to you. They believe that other people exist to serve them. So you may find that getting better at boundary setting means that certain people get mad at you and give you the silent treatment, expecting you to come crawling back. Don’t worry! The problem isn’t that you’ve set a boundary. The problem is that they don’t want a relationship where they have to respect other people’s limits. Boundaries don’t scare off emotionally healthy people. They have limits, too, and they want to respect yours.