Why Is He Different When He’s With His Guy Friends?

Have you ever noticed that your guy seems to have one personality when he’s alone with you…

And a completely different personality when he’s out with his guy friends?

It’s almost as if he’s two different people.

The caring, thoughtful man you know…

And the crude “macho guy” he is around other guys.

Why do men change like this?

And should you be worried?

Michael Kimmel has some answers.

The World’s Leading Expert on Guy Culture

If anyone knows men, it’s Michael Kimmel.

Kimmel is one of the world’s leading experts on men. He studies guys, speaks with guys, and writes about guys.

When he gives talks at colleges and universities, young men and women invariably line up afterwards to ask him questions about the opposite sex.

The most common question he gets from young men is this:

I try to be what girls say they like, but girls still won’t sleep with me. What do they actually want?”

The most common question he gets from young women is this:

My guy is so sweet and sensitive when he’s with me. But when he gets with his guy friends, he acts gross and rude. What gives?”

What “gives” is the Guy Code.

Instructions For Being a Man

Every boy is born with one task to accomplish:

To become a man.

Becoming a man is more than growing up and getting a job.

It’s about embodying masculinity.

Learning how to be a man will occupy boys from the time they’re 5 or 6 until they’re married with a family.

And the cost of not getting it right is high.

Boys who don’t master the Guy Code will end up teased, bullied, and excluded.

So what does the Guy Code teach?

Its foundational principle is this:

To be a man, you must be NOTHING like a girl.

If girls are sweet, kind, sensitive, caring, and nurturing, then a guy must be the opposite of those traits: tough, hard, stoic, and insensitive.

The Top 10 Rules of Manhood

Kimmel asked young men from every state in the U.S., as well as fifteen other countries, what came to mind when they thought about what it meant to be a man.

Here’s the top 10:

1. “Boys don’t cry.
2. It’s better to be mad than sad.
3. Don’t get mad—get even.
4. Take it like a man.
5. He who has the most toys… wins.
6. Just do it.
7. Size matters.
8. Don’t stop to ask for directions.
9. Nice guys finish last.
10. It’s all good.” ^[1]

Those are the working instructions for being a man today.

You’ll notice there’s nothing in there about love or relationships.

Not much about responsibility, accountability, integrity, and honesty.

Nothing about raising the next generation or giving back to the community.

Yet those are ALSO positive masculine qualities.

Real men are courageous, honorable, thoughtful leaders.

They care about people. They work hard. They protect the weak.

Why aren’t those positive qualities part of the working instructions for being a man?

In some cultures, they are.

But for many guys in America today, being a guy means being politically incorrect, talking about sports 24/7, and creating spaces where no girls are allowed.

Do you know what your guy believes makes him a man?

Guyland: Where Guys Never Grow Up

Kimmel coined the term “Guyland” to refer to the space that guys inhabit between the ages of 16 and 26.

It’s when guys are no longer boys but not yet full-fledged men.

These guys feel entitled to girls, good jobs, and respect, and they don’t understand why those things aren’t just handed to them.

They don’t want the responsibility that comes with getting married, climbing the corporate ladder, or taking on mortgage debt.

So they avoid commitment as long as possible: working dead-end jobs, hooking up instead of getting a girlfriend, and having as much fun as possible.

If you meet a guy at this stage in life, Kimmel suggests, your only hope is to wait him out. He’ll mature eventually. What sounds good at 25 looks dysfunctional at 35.

But an even better strategy is to seek out men with healthy views on masculinity.

Not all men are “guys.”

Many men want an equal relationship. They’re excited about the work of commitment. They want to build something.

The Guyland Police Are Watching

If your guy is a dream when he’s alone with you but completely different around his friends, then consider how much peer pressure is playing a part.

The Guyland police are other guys.

Guys can be incredibly harsh on friends who seem to be choosing a woman over them.

Talk to your guy about whether he feels pressure to be someone else when he’s around his friends.

Do his friends approve of your relationship? Are they okay with the amount of time he spends with you?

If the answer is no, then your guy is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

He loves you, but he also loves his brothers.

Letting you down can be easier than letting down his brothers and enduring their disapproval.

It’s hard for us as women to understand that a man might choose brotherhood over love.

We adore our sisters, but our sisters will forgive us if we put true love first. They expect us to.

That’s why I believe the most important conversation you can have with your guy is a conversation about what it means to him to be a man.

Does he believe in “bros before hos”?

Does he believe that being sensitive and tender is a weakness?

Learn more about having that conversation here.

[1] Kimmel, Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men (New York: HarperCollins, 2008) 45.