I caught up with the mother of one of my high school classmates the other day.
She told me that my friend was doing great. Still single! Had her own business. Did her own thing. Was fed up with men after a slew of bad dates.
All the last one did was talk about his problems. “I’m your date, not your therapist!” she’d told him.
She’s not alone. It’s becoming more common for men to treat first dates like free therapy sessions.
They think they’re being raw, real, and vulnerable—but to women, it often feels like they’re being used for free emotional labor.
When Men Confuse Vulnerability With Emotional Dumping
Hearing my friend’s story made me reflect on my own dating history.
To my surprise, I realized I had often played the “free therapist” role, too. I’m supportive and nonjudgmental by nature. I prefer deep conversations. I love talking about psychology and self-insight.
But now I wonder if that approach had been shooting me in the foot.
Was it attracting men who needed a therapist, not a partner?
Why Men Lean on Women for Emotional Survival
Men have always leaned on women for emotional understanding. They can’t talk to their guy friends about “feelings stuff,” so they come to women instead.
They need women for emotional offloading just as much as they need women for physical intimacy.
But there’s a difference between sharing and dumping.
It crosses a line when a man needs you to feel sorry for him.
He tells his sad stories not to build real intimacy, but to pull you into the role of caretaker. He doesn’t want to fix his problems or hear about solutions. He wants to complain about them so that you soothe his hurt.
(These men tend to be more likely to cheat emotionally, seeking out other women to soothe them when their wives stop feeling sorry for them.)
How to Spot a Victim Early
So the next time a man shares inappropriately—about his father yelling at him growing up, how his ex didn’t love him, how he’s never been appreciated at work, why he thinks men are victimized in today’s society—take a step back.
Ask yourself:
- Why is he sharing this with me?
- Does he expect me to be sympathetic?
- Is he trying to influence how I see him?
- Does he want to convince me to be on his side?
- Has he healed emotionally from this experience – or is he still wallowing in the hurt?
Spot The Good Ones
Now, there’s nothing wrong with sharing a personal story with someone you’re getting to know.
But the best stories end in what you learned. How you grew from it. How it changed your perspective on life or inspired you to make a difference.
A healed man shares his story to show you his growth, not his wounds. He doesn’t want you to fix him. He doesn’t need you to fix him. Healing himself is HIS job.
But a wounded man hands you his pain like a heavy suitcase and expects you to carry it. If you’re a naturally supportive woman, you’re exactly the kind of person he’ll seek out. And when you can’t—or won’t—indulge his pain, he feels hurt.
Time to grow up, guys—and get a real therapist.
Let us know what you think!