So you’ve got out of a really tough relationship.
You thought you’d feel nothing but relief, but instead your emotions are all over the place.
How can you put what you experienced behind you and move on?
Founder of Broken to Blissful™, Susan Ball, can help.
She’s built her coaching practice on helping women move from victim to survivor to thriver.
In this YBTV interview, she shares her insights into why it’s so hard to leave a toxic relationship, why so many of us keep attracting one toxic partner after another, the importance of setting standards, how you can attract a quality man, and practical tips to grow into becoming the confident, proud, assertive woman who never settles for less than she deserves.
Learn more about Susan’s coaching and her book Courage and Grace
What You’ll Learn
A quality man wants a quality woman. And a quality woman sets the standards and the boundaries right from the beginning. She’s not afraid to say, ‘This is not working for me. It was great meeting you,’ and walk away. She’s not afraid to be alone.”
Can you walk away from a relationship that is hurting you?
Author, speaker, self-love activist and women’s freedom coach Susan Ball understands that it’s not so easy.
Because you still love him.
At least, you love the dream he sold you.
Women in toxic relationships “are not in love with the person,” Susan says. “They’re in love with the dream. They’re in love with what they were told, with what they were fed, what they were manipulated to believe.”
When they get out of the relationship, they don’t feel freedom and relief. Instead, they feel confusion, guilt and shame. They worry they’ll never find love again. They doubt their own self-worth. “If he can’t love me,” they think, “who’s going to love me?”
It becomes a pattern.
You find someone to love you, and you accept his bad behavior because you’re just happy to have his love. You’re not used to setting boundaries or holding him accountable for treating you with respect.
Once you make this realization, you can take your power back.
You can see that you always have the power to walk away. To say, “No, you’re not treating me like that. That was unacceptable.”
Susan lists some red flags to look for. Is he going out a lot without you and not telling you where he’s going? Is he using sex as power?
You’re not responsible for the way he treats you. But you are responsible for how you react to it. You can choose to allow those behaviors to continue, or you can choose to respect yourself enough to say, “No more.”
It all comes down to a mindset shift, where you realize that you can’t get the happiness you want from a man’s approval.
Susan gives a great analogy:
Those of us who keep getting in bad relationships are kind of like Swiss cheese. We’re looking for someone to fill up all those holes: happiness, joy, adventure, travel, all of these things.”
But no man can fill up those holes. You must fill them yourself.
Then, once you’re full, you can attract a man from a place that’s whole and healthy. You attract men you can co-create with.
Here’s a great example Susan gives:
You go out on a date and you meet a guy … at the restaurant. And what are women thinking? ‘Am I dressed too sexy? I’d better not order spaghetti because it might get on my clothes. Is my hair okay? Am I laughing too loud? Do I talk too much?’ All internalized approval that they’re looking for.
A woman of value goes on a date and says to herself, ‘He’s very handsome, but what value does he add to my life?’ She’s not looking for approval; she’s looking for a partner.”
So how do you break the pattern of seeking approval from men?
How do you start to grow in confidence?
For Susan, “Confidence is simply the memory of success.”
The way to build confidence is to step out of your comfort zone and do something different and see that you can succeed.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It could be something as small as having a coffee in a coffee shop by yourself. Every time you do something new or something that challenges you, celebrate it! This is how you build your sense of self-worth and value.
The very first assignment Susan gives her clients is this:
Write a note to yourself every morning that says: “Today, I forgive myself for any mistake I might make.”
Then, when you make a mistake, remember that note and remind yourself, “Ah, I already forgave myself.”
This exercise “builds your forgiveness muscle, so you’re starting to move into that place where you can look back and say, ‘Yeah, you know what? I made mistakes and I forgive myself.'”
Susan also believes that a huge part of building back your confidence is swearing off three things: gossiping, criticizing, and complaining.
When you engage in saying negative things about other people, it knocks your own self-confidence back, because you intuitively sense that other people could be doing the same thing about you.
Susan also believes that “gratitude is a big part of the healing journey.”
Even when if it feels like there’s nothing to be grateful for, after everything that’s happened to you, get out a sheet of paper and write down just one thing you can be grateful for, even if it’s just the fact you’re still breathing.
Susan concludes by sharing the one thing she wants each and every one of us to know:
“You are worthy of love, compassion, respect, peace, quiet, joy…
Never let anyone diminish your sparkle.”
Jump to Topics of Interest
02:18 How you can expect to feel when you finally get out of a bad relationship
03:58 The fear of never finding love again
04:35 Susan’s own story
06:00 Seeing your part in the pattern
07:03 Red flags in a relationship
08:31 What it means to be a quality woman
11:13 How to build that sense of self-worth, boundaries and standards
13:21 Working through the guilt of having failed yourself
15:04 No gossiping, criticizing or complaining
16:27 Getting rid of the negative people in your life
19:00 Susan’s book Courage and Grace
19:48 “Giving it a name” technique
About Susan Ball
Susan is the founder and CEO of Broken to Blissful™. She is an author and sought-after international speaker, sharing her message of building joy on the journey from victim to survivor to thriver. Whether a woman is in need of support following a divorce or toxic relationship or recovering from an abusive relationship, Susan welcomes everyone and works with them using the tools and concepts from her ground-breaking book, Courage and Grace: From Broken to Blissful. Find out how you can work with Susan.