They’ll Have to Pry My Blender Out of My Cold, Dead Hands

I don’t know how people go to work without their blender.

Eight hours without the ability to make delicious, frosty smoothies at the push of a button? Just throw me in prison with some bread and tap water, why don’t you?

It sounds like I’m joking. No one is that attached to a kitchen appliance.

Even if smoothies are the second healthiest beverage known to mankind. (Always losing to water, of all things.)

I got into smoothies at a time when food wasn’t a priority for me. I didn’t have time to make anything or sit down and eat. So, instead of skipping breakfast, I started throwing things into the blender.

I was using a Hamilton Beach blender I’d gotten as a freshman in college. It was valiant, but frozen banana chunks dueled with the blade until the motor smoked. I had to treat my geriatric blender with more kindness. Soft soups only, please.

Then I got a Ninja for Christmas.

For those of you who were like me before my conversion experience, you may think, “What’s in a blender?” Well, kale and frozen pineapple, for a start. Either your blender delivers smooth, slushy goodness, or you’re chomping down on hard chunks. I’m not a fan of chunks. They clog up my straw.

Garden-variety blenders have one set of blades at the bottom of the jar. The Ninja has three sets of blades to slice through the bottom, middle, and top of its victims. (Like a ninja, got it?) It doesn’t bat an eye at frozen fruit. It simply crushes each chunk into a frosty puddle.

After a month learning the basics—and having strawberry sorbet every night—I was ready to graduate. No more smoothies for fun. It was time to get serious. That meant:

Superfood smoothies.

Wheatgrass powder. Chia seeds. Goji berries. Hemp protein. Maca powder. Cacao nibs. Coconut water. Every time I mastered using one ingredient, I tried another. A friend gave me a recipe book. Soon I was added five ingredients or more, praying the end result would taste like the recipe promised.

Finally, it hit me.

Not all that long ago, I’d thought that a bowl of cereal with some sliced bananas was a decent breakfast.

Now my breakfast was a green smoothie packed with leafy greens and fresh fruit.

I was going to live forever.

Envision this scenario:

You’ve just broken up with the love of your life. Your eyes are red from sobbing. You feel sick to your stomach. You can’t eat a thing.

Your best girlfriends burst through the door, carrying two grocery bags. One goes straight into the freezer. The other clanks with the sound of bottles.

Wine and ice cream. The diet of the broken-hearted.

Now, rewind.

You’ve just broken up with the love of your life. Your eyes are red from sobbing. You can’t eat a thing.

Your best girlfriends burst through the door, carrying a grocery bag and a duffel bag. The grocery bag is filled to the brim with produce, both fresh and frozen. Inside the duffel bag is a Vitamix.

Soon you’re sipping pure heaven through a straw. This tastes just like a milkshake, but your girlfriend swears it’s healthy for you. She reminds you that your body gets depleted of essential nutrients under stress. If you’re going to bounce back and show him what he’s lost, then you need to take care of yourself. Get that glow back in your cheeks.

Funny. You’ve never done that before.

Usually, when life turns upside down, you stop looking after yourself. You sleep all day, forget to wash your hair, eat the worst possible food, and nearly get yourself fired. You hurt yourself worse than life hurt you.

Why?

Why not throw frozen chunks in a blender and imagine it’s your ex getting crushed by those sharp blades? Feel the power at your fingertips?

Your blender is never going to cheat on you. It will stay put where you left it. All it asks is that you plug it in and hear it roar every so often. It lives to serve you.

That’s a relationship that will last.

So, the next time life gets tough, don’t reach for the Ben & Jerry’s or Taco Bell. Let your blender soothe you. Rejoice in the control you have over every single ingredient at your disposal. Throw in a superfood or two because you can.

Smoothies are a way of showing yourself you care. You’re not going to hurt your body just because someone hurt you. You’re still on your side. And you’ll do whatever it takes to bounce back.

Ninja-style.