Porn Addiction with Joshua Shea (Video)

It’s the worst moment imaginable.

You thought everything was going great. You’d finally achieved a relationship with an amazing man. You loved each other. You wanted a future together.

Then you glanced at his computer. Or his phone.

And you discovered what he’d been hiding from you all this time.

He was watching porn.

Does he no longer love you? Is he not satisfied with your relationship? Is he cheating on you?

Porn addiction expert Joshua Shea has some advice. Make a plan before confronting him. Find out the facts before you act. Then be strategic about your conversation.

Most men view porn occasionally, even while in committed relationships. One survey found 98% of men had consumed porn within the last 6 months.

But occasional use and a full-blown addiction are two different things.

In this week’s YBTV interview, we sift out the facts from the myths.

This interview deals with a subject that is sensitive in nature. Viewer discretion is advised.

Porn Addiction Peer Support Advising

What You’ll Learn

There is no stereotypical porn addict.”

Joshua Shea is not your “usual” addiction expert.

He’s not a doctor. He’s not a therapist.

He’s a former addict himself.

“I was very publicly outed as a pornography addict after I made the horrible decision of engaging a teenage girl in a chat room,” he explains.

Before his arrest, Shea was a model citizen. He was a magazine publisher and politician with a loving wife and a great life. Why, then, did he risk it all?

“What I learned was [that] I actually had a pornography addiction,” he says. “I was a porn addict the moment that I saw my first hardcore pornography when I was 12 or 13 years old.”

He’s clear that his actions had nothing to do with being dissatisfied in his relationship. “I’d had this addiction half of my life before I met my wife… My porn addiction had nothing to do with her,” he says.

And he thinks it’s the same for most men.

Ultimately, addiction is about wanting to stop a behavior and not being able to stop that behavior, despite understanding negative consequences about it.”

The consequences for Shea were severe. He went through two stints in rehab, spent six months in jail, and ended up on a registered sex offenders list. His wife stuck by him.

While in jail, he discovered that “despite the fact most people were there for drugs or domestic violence, there was sexual trauma in many of their backgrounds, and there was unhealthy sexual behavior in their lives. In fact, the unhealthy sexual behavior was more shameful to them than any heroin bust they’d ever had….”

He saw the extent of the problem—and the silence around it.

“I realized that there is nobody out there willing to talk about this,” he says. “It’s such a shameful, embarrassing topic that somebody needs to step forward.”

He realized that person had to be him.

“My story’s already out there,” he says. “I can’t hide anything, and I’m not going to try to hide anything, so let’s have a conversation about it and see what happens.”

While in jail, he completed the first draft of his memoir, The Addiction No One Will Talk About.

He’s clear that he’s not trying to justify what he did. “More addicts need to take responsibility for what they do,” he says. He’s simply trying to educate.

“I know that we’re not going to stop any addiction wholesale, but I think that—much like many of the other addictions that are out there—if people are educated, they’ll probably make better and better decisions.”

So what was the motivation behind his porn use?

“It was a survival skill,” he explains. “It was something that I used to calm myself, to bring myself to another place where I didn’t have to deal with the troubles of this world. It was about being able to be in control of a situation, whereas in the real world you’re not always in control.”

Many men use porn recreationally, but not all of them develop an addiction.

What distinguishes the occasional user from the addict may be a combination of genetics, background, and poor decision-making.

Certain people have a genetic predisposition to developing addictions. Sex addiction is similar to alcoholism and drug addiction in that it’s a compulsive behavior, which was only recently recognized by the World Health Organization.

Over 80% of sex addicts also have a history of sexual abuse or emotional trauma in their background.

“And then, on top of it, there [is] also poor decision-making,” Shea explains. That hit of pleasure becomes more elusive, and addicts go to greater and greater lengths to obtain it.

But if you’re a woman who’s just discovered porn on your man’s computer, you don’t care WHY he’s using it. You just want him to stop, ASAP.

Confronting him in a rage isn’t the best policy, though.

Shea urges women to make a plan. Find out if he’s an addict or a recreational user. “There’s a big difference between your husband being a pornography addict and you just having a zero tolerance policy towards pornography,” he says.

If he’s a recreational user, then your job will be easier. Have a conversation about it. Communicate.

“It is understandable that you feel betrayed. It is understandable that you don’t like pornography, depending on your upbringing and your beliefs. But exercise some some techniques in how you keep your marriage alive in other ways,” Shea says. See it as a problem to be solved rather than an unforgivable betrayal.

On the other hand, if he’s an addict, communicating with him may not get you very far. If he’s been lying to you this long, he’ll probably just keep on lying. You may not even be the right one to confront him about it. Talk to a therapist about the best way to move forward. Talk to your friends about what you’ve discovered. You may be surprised to find they’ve gone through something similar.

You’re never the only one.”

Shea admits, “It’s still a tough thing to sit there and hear the guy say, ‘Yes, I look at pornography every night after you go to bed. No, it doesn’t have anything to do with you.’” That’s why therapy and/or support groups can be so valuable.

The worst part about discovering his addiction may be realizing your own powerlessness. “Unfortunately, like any other addiction, most of the heavy lifting has to be done by him,” Shea says. You can urge him to get help, but you can’t fix him.

Shea wants to help partners of addicts as well as addicts understand what they’re up against. That’s why he set up Porn Addiction Peer Support Advising, a service for men and women caught in the web of addiction. If your man isn’t ready to go to therapy or rehab, or if you have specific questions, Shea urges you to contact him.

“If you have a problem, get some help for it,” he says. The problem won’t go away on its own. No matter how shameful it is, asking for help is the first step to healing.

Jump to Topics of Interest

3:47 Joshua’s conviction for porn addiction and journey to becoming an educator
5:47 Joshua’s memoir The Addiction No One Will Talk About
7:07 Are some men predisposed to porn addiction?
11:33 Is porn cheating?
13:24 When does porn cross the line from recreational use to addiction?
15:32 How to make a plan for broaching the subject with him
19:30 Josh’s peer counseling services
20:30 There is no stereotypical porn addict