A lot of men genuinely believe that women are only attracted to alpha males.
They believe—and this is going to gross you out—that women are “programmed” to constantly keep an eye out for higher status “males” and to swap out her current partner if she gets the chance.
(Which is why guys who believe in alpha males ALSO tend to believe that all women cheat given half a chance.)
These poor, poor guys…
I blame it all on David Buss.
Evolutionary Psychology Is Not Dating Advice
David Buss is a pioneering evolutionary psychologist.
He’s the co-creator of Sexual Strategies Theory, the idea that our romantic choices are highly influenced by evolution.
He popularized the idea that all our complicated romantic interactions can be understood by one simple idea:
If a woman sleeps with a guy and gets pregnant, she has to pay the price. She’s now got a child to raise.
So she needs to be choosy about who she sleeps with and preferentially pick men with resources who can give her and her child the best chances of survival.
If a guy sleeps with a woman who gets pregnant, he doesn’t pay any price. He can keep going and father as many children as he likes.
So he doesn’t have to be as choosy, although given the choice he’ll prefer to sleep with more fertile women.
Have you heard this before? I bet you have.
This idea is the foundation of so much toxic dating advice, I can’t even….
Let’s look at the facts.
Fact #1.
Men who get a woman pregnant DO have to pay a price.
If they walk away instead of supporting their pregnant partner, the chances of her baby surviving to reach adulthood are drastically reduced.
The most successful fathers are those who invest in their children. (This is called the Mutual Mate Choice Model.)
Fact #2.
Men and women mostly want the same things in a partner.
Even David Buss’ OWN RESEARCH shows that men and women mostly want the same things: a partner who is smart, kind, and attractive.
Once those criteria are met, yes, women show a slight preference for more resourced men, while men show a slight preference for youth, but the importance of those sex differences is exaggerated.
Most of us know what’s important in a relationship.
We want someone whose company and conversation we enjoy. We want someone we can live with!
A smart, kind person we feel attracted to is just the ticket.
Fact #3.
Mating isn’t marriage.
Evolutionary psychologists like David Buss talk a lot about mating because they’re focused on the way some genes get reinforced while others die out.
But most of us aren’t really interested in being told who men/women want to sleep with.
We’re more interested in what makes people fall in love, make a commitment to each other, and live happily ever after.
That’s not Buss’ area of expertise.
But it is the area of expertise of numerous marriage counselors and psychotherapists.
These experts see marriages that work and marriages that don’t.
They study the type of people and type of behaviors that lead to lasting, healthy unions.
They’re firmly grounded in today’s world, not the ancient world of our caveman ancestors.
If you’re going to take dating advice from someone, take it from an expert who knows what makes for a happy, healthy relationship.
And I’m going hop in now and be that person. 😊
Forget about the avalanche of Buss-inspired dating tips on the internet.
Instead, focus on three things:
1. Self-awareness
2. Healing work
3. Relational skills
The ideal partner—and this includes you—has some degree of self-awareness, has done some healing work, and has some tools in their relational toolbox.
I’m sad to say that men who aspire to be alpha males tend to fail on all three of those criteria.
Let us know what you think!