When I first started my career over 15 years ago, I was struck by the desperation of the women who wrote to me seeking answers.
They weren’t looking for advice on how to have healthier, happier relationships.
They were desperate for something to do right NOW to salvage their rocky love situation.
As I read their words, I could hear the underlying message come through loud and clear:
If I can’t be with him, my life is OVER.”
It would take me over a decade to understand what I was hearing.
That’s a Limiting Belief
If you dip a toe into life coach-style dating advice, you’ll often hear about limiting beliefs.
It’s the idea that we have beliefs (about men and love and ourselves) that hold us back.
If you believe that men aren’t to be trusted, for example, then you’ll notice each and every instance where a man lets you down. That becomes evidence to confirm your belief that you can’t trust anyone.
However, people in our everyday life let us down all the time. Normally, we let it pass or we forgive them, because it’s not a big deal. We learn to distinguish between breaches of trust that matter and breaches that happen because no one’s perfect.
A life coach would help you spot your limiting beliefs, notice how they’re playing out in your life, and replace them with more empowering beliefs.
Sounds great, right?
Except for many women, that’s really really HARD.
Many Beliefs Are Not a Choice
Do you feel like you can change your beliefs, just like that?
I sure don’t!
Imagine if I told women, “Actually, you CAN live without him, you’re just choosing to believe you can’t.” It would be horrible!
The bulk of what we believe isn’t a personal choice. It’s a result of interacting with our environment.
We believe what we believe because of our culture, our childhood experiences, the world we live in, the things that happened to us, and so much more.
This is the point that I want you to understand.
When bad things happen to you, you come to believe things that keep you safe.
(Or, at least, it FEELS like they keep you safe.)
Your need to feel safe—like the world is predictable and somewhat under your control—is SO important that you will do anything to preserve it…
Even if it means believing things that hurt you.
Such as the belief that you are 100% responsible for anything bad that happens to you.
Taking Responsibility Makes You Feel Safe
This belief looks like this:
If your guy is treating you badly, or pulling away, or not acting loving, then it’s your fault. You’re responsible for his behavior. If you can only figure out what to do—how to stop pushing him away, how to stop making him mad, how to make him love you again—he’ll turn back into the loving boyfriend of your dreams.
I used to believe this 1000%!
I held myself COMPLETELY responsible for everything that happened in my relationship.
I was responsible for keeping everyone happy. I was responsible for solving all the problems. I was responsible for arranging all the fun things.
And what happened?
Well, when your partner sees that you’ll take responsibility for everything, he stops taking responsibility for anything.
I finally realized that I was doing this as a way of trying to feel like I had some power in the relationship.
The more powerless I felt, the more I took responsibility for things that weren’t mine.
If I could make myself responsible for the way my partner felt about me, that meant I had some power over his feelings.
I needed to feel like I had that power, because the alternative—realizing that the only real power I had was over myself, not him—was too terrifying.
The Fear That Drives Us
Underneath all of the issues we have in our love lives is this one great fear:
The fear that we are powerless.
This is the desperation that drives so many women to reach out.
They feel powerless to stop him from leaving. They’re desperate for something, ANYTHING, that will give them power over him.
Because they already tried one alternative. They thought that if they gave him everything, it would be okay. (If someone gave you everything—their heart and their happiness and their trust—you would be so grateful. You’d love them in return. So why isn’t he grateful? Why does he act like that’s nothing?)
This is their last chance.
They just want the power to change what’s happening, to save the future they thought they had with him, and to make everything right again.
It hurts so incredibly much…
That they can’t see what’s right under their nose.
The Truth You Can’t See
If you ask someone who loves you whether you should hold onto this relationship, they’ll probably tell you that they just want you to be happy.
Then they might say that they don’t think this relationship is making you happy. You seem so unhappy since you’ve been with him.
And if you could stand thinking about that, you might come to see that he’s responsible for much of the troubled state of your relationship.
Actually, it’s not all your fault. A lot of it is his.
What would it feel like to hold him accountable for his failure to love you?
Let me ask that again:
What would it feel like to hold him accountable for his failure to love you?
Create Your Own Safety
I just want you to feel safe.
I want you to feel like you live in a world that’s predictable and somewhat under your control.
But I don’t think taking 100% responsibility for everything is the solution.
If he fails you—by leaving you, by not loving you, by treating you badly—then you are not responsible for his failure.
HE is responsible for his failure to love.
YOU are responsible for how you’re going to deal with that.
Are you going to invest further time in trying to make this relationship healthier? What do you think your love is worth?
If it feels like you can’t live without him, is that true? Or is that something you’re telling yourself because this pain is too awful to deal with and you’re afraid?
Holding other people accountable is crucial to our mental health. It’s time we stop beating ourselves up for other people’s behavior.
If your guy isn’t looking after you, then you have to step up and look after yourself.
What can you do to make yourself feel safe right now?
What can you do to remind yourself that you are not powerless and you have choices?
What are the constants in your life—friends, family, passions—that will still be there if he’s gone?
No more beating up on yourself.
No more taking responsibility for what’s not under your control.
Just more loving on yourself.
Let us know what you think!