Difficult Relationship With Difficult Men Part II

When you’re in a difficult relationship, you just want him to change.

But he’s so stubborn. He refuses to change his hurtful behaviors or get any help.

And why should he? Things work for him the way they are now. He doesn’t think he’s a bad guy. He thinks you complain too much and expect too much.

It’s impossible to get someone to do something they don’t want to do when you don’t have any leverage. He knows you’re not going to leave him.

Women have traditionally had very little leverage in relationships. Once they were married, they were stuck. Their husband was the head of the household; his word was law.

But that’s not the case anymore.

You’ve got leverage. You just have to be prepared to use it.

Your Second Question

Ask yourself this question:

“Am I prepared to leave if I can’t make this work?”

If your answer is yes, then you may have some leverage (if he’s committed to you).
If your answer is no, then your chances of convincing him to change just got slimmer.

You might think that it’s terrible to think about leaving. Won’t that doom your relationship?

Maybe. Once you consider leaving as a very real possibility, it does put that option on the table.

But if you do nothing, nothing will change. You’ll remain unhappy. He’ll remain stubborn. That’s not much of a future.

The Importance of Leverage

You can’t fully exercise your power in a relationship unless you’re prepared to be the one ending the relationship if necessary.

If you can’t do it—because you can’t hurt him, because it would make you the bad guy, because you never give up on love—then you’re stuck accepting whatever behavior he dishes out.

You NEED to know what it would take to make you leave him.

What non-negotiable boundaries do you have that, if broken, would make you end the relationship?

They might be:

• Cheating
• Abuse
• Addictions
• Dishonesty and lying
• Disregard for consent
• Disrespect for personal values or beliefs
• Controlling or manipulative behavior
• Financial irresponsibility or deception
• Lack of commitment or effort

Take a moment now and think about what it would take to get you to end this relationship.

Be more specific than, “If it gets worse.”

What future scenario(s) would tell you that this relationship is over?

In my next article, I’ll invite you to have an eye-opening conversation with your partner. You might just be shocked at how he responds.

P.S. Here’s a more complete list of signs you need to end your relationship.