It’s so easy to label someone a narcissist, but what does the term really mean?
Is your jerk of an ex a narcissist? Does posting too many selfies on Instagram mean you’re a narcissist?
Or is it much more than garden-variety selfishness?
In this YBTV interview, heart healer Melany Oliver takes us on a journey deep into the dark shadows of narcissism.
You’ll find out why it’s so easy to fall for a narcissist and so hard to get away. Discover why narcissists target specific women, what they’re seeking from those relationships, and how to make yourself immune to their mind games.
Find out how you can work with Melany
What You’ll Learn
The term narcissism comes from the Greek mythology of Narcissus, a hunter who was known for his beauty and his physique.”
Narcissus caught a glimpse of himself reflected in a pool of water and became fixated on it.
Today, narcissists are those who are “fixated with themselves, but more so with their appearance—not only their physical appearance but also their public appearance.”
This distorted perception of themselves leads them to do whatever it takes to maintain the illusion of their own perfection … even if it means making you take the blame.
“The word [narcissism] is thrown around a lot today, and thrown around lightly,” Melany explains.
“Narcissistic abuse is very different, and it’s very serious, especially for victims. People who have never experienced it—people who have healthy boundaries, that know themselves—will dismiss it.”
Not everyone is vulnerable to a narcissist’s games. If you’re strong within yourself and don’t put up with anything, you’re an unappealing target.
Narcissists hone in on women who are vulnerable, people-pleasers, or emotionally wounded, because these women offer the narcissist what he wants: plenty of opportunities to make himself feel better.
At first, the narcissist comes across as Prince Charming. He puts you on a pedestal and charms you with his words. You may have never felt so loved before.
That’s how you get hooked.
Once you’re in a relationship, a new side of him comes to the fore. One day he’s Prince Charming, and the next day he’s his Evil Twin. In the guise of being helpful, he constantly puts you back in your place.
The moment they get a sense that you’re growing or being more successful in some way, that’s when they will create a scenario to trigger a reaction to make you feel bad so that they can feel better about themselves.”
This happens so gradually you don’t realize it. All you know is that you’re starting to doubt yourself more. You don’t feel as good about yourself. “By the time you realize something is wrong, you don’t know what it is.” You’ve lost touch with who you are and what you really feel.
Life becomes an emotional roller-coaster, filled with mind games. You’re always walking on eggshells, fearful of his rage.
You’re always made to be the wrong one. You can’t reason with them. You can never resolve a problem or an issue like two adults. They will always shame you and belittle you. It will always turn into another argument. It’s like a cycle that never ends.”
So what can you do?
It’s unlikely that he’ll change, even if you talk to him about what’s going on. So your only alternative may be to leave him.
If you can’t leave, because the narcissist is a boss or a family member, then your task is to make yourself less of a target.
Melany recommends these 3 steps.
- Heal your wounds. “If [something they do is] triggering you, you have wounds to heal,” she explains. Healing your wounds makes you less reactive, which makes it more difficult for them to control you.
- Get clear on your values and boundaries.
- Stop giving them the emotional reaction they crave.
She urges any woman who’s found herself involved with a narcissist to work on regaining her sense of self-worth.
You are worthy, and you need to believe that.”
Jump to Topics of Interest
02:14 The Greek legend of Narcissus
03:23 What is narcissism?
04:45 How narcissistic abuse is distinct from what we label “narcissism” in everyday life
06:01 Having healthy boundaries protects you against narcissism
06:26 What a relationship with a narcissist is like
08:17 Are you safe in a relationship with a narcissist?
09:54 Why narcissists are so attractive in the beginning
11:10 Can you “wake up” a narcissist?
12:17 Three steps to surviving a relationship with a narcissist
14:39 Narcissistic supply
15:50 Melany’s programs “Complete Heart Attunement” and “Healing the Broken Heart”
17:09 Believe you are worthy
Learn More about Melany’s Work
We’re honored to have Melany as one of our expert authors here at Your Brilliance. Check out more of her work.
About Melany Oliver
Melany is the creator of “Healing the Broken Heart” and “Complete Heart Attunement.” With over 10 years of experience with healing deep emotional wounds, she leverages her expertise to help women who are wounded by their childhood traumas and past negative relationships heal themselves and find true love. Find out how you can work with Melany.